Dear Throb,
We need to have a heart to heart conversation. You see, you came into my life as an unwanted visitor a year ago. When you first showed up, thought you would only be around for a few days and then move on.
But your presence lingered and you started bringing some other friends along with you. Quite honestly, I have despised them as much as I have hated you. Hate is a strong word. I do not use it very often. I feel it takes up far too much energy, so I prayed to figure out what I was supposed to learn while you took up residence in my head.
Undergoing treatment 24 April 2012
When you played hideous games with the doctors and caused then to misdiagnose me time after time, your friend, DOUBT made me wonder if I would ever get better. I seemed to find strength in knowing the plethora of treatments and prescription medications were not the answer to getting rid of you, either.
But at every single turn, I prayed for answers. Often not finding any immediately, but God always came through. After the lumbar puncture that landed me in the hospital for 4 days, you really thought you had the best of me. Yet, somehow, I was able to find strength in the love of my family and friends.
You tried to take away my independence when the pain was so unbearable and I was unable to spend ANY time alone. That caused me to give up my own place to live and move in with friends in Seattle. Your companion, FEAR, really threw me for a loop when I cried in despair to doctors asking “am I going to die and you are just not telling me”?
Throb, you really had this ability to challenge me at every corner with frustration because I had to find the PROPER medical professionals with the PROPER treatments to even get you to budge AT ALL.
I am so proud that I have stood firmly against your persistence that I could only survive on prescription drugs. I stared your pain in my own face, and said “no”. I actually laugh that you made it impossible for me to be able to afford the co-pay on the prescription medications through you causing me to go on long term disability pay.
Your true companion, SADNESS, certainly challenges my faith daily. Because I don’t know when you or your afflictions will actually go away. Therefore, I do not know what that means for my future.
But I see you as a strengthening exercise. Part of my life journey. I will not succumb to your lies that PAIN will last forever. For the record, you will never be my friend. I cannot wait for the day when your true definition (the Migraine from hell) is gone and I can be free to live my life without you. I cannot wait to go back to living my passion and the job I love.
Yeah, right. lol
But through the past 363 days, I have come to appreciate certain things about having you in my life. I want to thank you for coming along. Because had I not experienced you and your companions, or your constant badgering and relentless pain day in and day out, I may not have ever fully have ever been able to comprehend the full magnitude of people who care so deeply about my well being.
I definitely would not have learned the lesson of asking for help, because I am so used to helping and giving to others. I needed to learn to allow others to feel the pleasure of being a blessing through me.
And although you are a symbol of all the things I despise most in life, you have caused me to look in the mirror and see who I am, behind the pain in my eyes. (I really will be glad when that feeling of an ice pick is removed, just so you know).
Knowing you has made my faith stronger, because I have had to rely on God to get me through every SINGLE DAY to cope with the pain. I have had to pray for finances to somehow meet the demands of daily life. I have cried to the Lord in moments of complete broken-ness and sadness because I have felt so desperately alone in hospital rooms, doctors offices, my own bedroom, a friends couch, or undergoing test after test after test.
Tigger loves making me laugh during treatment ...
And through it all, GUESS WHAT? You may have made me feel like you had the physical weight of an elephant on my head ~ but I am claiming victory over all your other companions.
THEY have NO POWER over me. You see, there is finally LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. I finally have the RIGHT team of medical professionals; each doing their part to make me happier, healthier, and whole in the process.
One day I will be able to look back and say I gave you too much power over my life because of fears, doubts, anger, frustration, and sadness. I caved in to each of them from time to time. But I do not regret those emotions because they prove I am human and how much I need Gods strength.
My hope is that through tenacity, strength, and the courage I have gained from those who have suffered far greater than I ~ that I have been some form of comfort to others as well.
As it turns into a year that I have lived with you in my life, I am committing to finding even more ways than the Botox Injections, the physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic, osteopathic and naturopathic treatments to knock out every single characteristic you bring with you. I am going to fight you with all the resources I have left ~ because God is bigger than you, and certainly capable of teaching me the right lessons so I can live without you and be happy.
I am done being nice to the sources of life that want to bring me down. In that, I am asking and telling you that you can leave now. No hard feelings. But I am ready to show the world how great it is to honor wellness every day for the rest of my life. If you choose to linger, I will just fight harder. I will not allow any aspect of you to ruin the beautiful plans I have for the future … because NONE of them include you.
It is time for some serious changes in my life … and I am fully committed to once again cleaning out the closet of toxic people, behaviors, and only focusing on making a positive difference to others. It is by God’s grace I am a forgiving soul … and I know my lessons to be learned from you are almost all met.
Sincerely,
The person who knows how to bounce back and NEVER give up.
Robin
The Sky Angel is getting stronger ... 🙂
PO Box 449
Mercer Island, WA 98040
Tags: Robin Schmidt, The Sky Angel
This is amazing Robin!!! Wonderfully written!! I too, have lived with pain for so many years now. I remember once a few years ago, after getting an RF procedure done in CT for my back, walking to my car and feeling like I could run for the first time in years! I didn’t, for fear of hurting myself and knowing the feeling would wear off as soon as the Novocaine did, but I also remember driving onto the exit to go home and bursting into tears. I recall thinking, “So this is what it’s like to be pain free!!!!!” Of course about two hours later, the pain returned and has stayed. But for just a little while, I knew what it felt like to feel normal…to walk normally, to not wince in pain with every step.
Hopefully someday I will find the right doctor who performs the right procedure and I can enjoy that feeling again – if only briefly. Constant pain is so very difficult to live with, and I can’t say you get used to it. I know every minute of every day that I have an artificial hip, and several blown discs in my lower back. Some days are tolerable; others are not. I know I will live the rest of my life this way and all I can do is what I can do. I may never be ay better, but I pray daily I will not get any worse. May God take away your pain, and all of its companions.
I admire your strength determination. Praying your journey with pain ends soon.
You are truly an inspiration … AND knowing how beautiful of an author you are, I take THAT as such a compliment, coming from you. Thank you … and I will be praying your pain subsides as well. Pain Free … what a concept! 🙂
Thank you so much, Beth. I appreciate your support.