This past week I realized it has been 10 months that my days have been filled with constant physical pain, and the ways life has changed because of that fact. There have been many who have said “this is God’s way of making you slow down”, or “use this as an opportunity to rest”. To be honest, that sounded GREAT in the beginning. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned in to months, the challenges became more than just physical. In a nutshell, I love my job. From the time I was a small child, I dreamt of being a flight attendant. It took me two other careers and a whole lot of life experience before I had the courage to go after my life long dream. Once I had it, I guess you could say that I “soared”. Deep within my being, I felt as though I was finally “doing” what God wanted me to be doing.
Looking back to that date in May, a year ago, when I went to Urgent Care in the middle of my work trip; there is no way I could have known my life was about to make a drastic change. Sometimes we have the ability to predict what our future will hold, others, we are completely blind sided. I’ve been asking myself lately “what is worth fighting for”? Am I? The question applies to every aspect of my life. Because during the past 300 days, I certainly have questioned my faith. Whether it was “true” or not. (the fact that I am alive is a miracle, so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always prevails and I am good on THAT topic!).
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (Military Charter to Gitmo) 2006
But working for a large corporation means that one often feels like a number. It is easy to believe that no one really misses me at work, there are plenty of other flight attendants who are still making the skies safe and friendlier. So as much as I beg the doctors to tell me “what I can do to make myself better, so I can go back to the job I love”, I don’t hear the phone ringing with anyone from my company asking me “what can I do to help you to get back to work? How can I make it easier for you? We miss you.”. Please know I do not write this as a slight on my company. There are thousands upon thousands of employees, I am just trying to tell you how I am feeling. What my experience is … (and I wouldn’t know how to respond, if someone did call me. lol) What I am trying to convey here is that I am fighting for what is important … to get well, so I can go back to the career I chose … but my desire is my desire, and it is my driving force. There is no one on the other side fighting as hard as I am to get me back in the ring, so to speak. Does that make sense?
It is a funny thing, turning 50 ~ I just seem to be looking at life in a different way. That question is nagging at me. “Am I worth fighting for”? Am I the person you come to when you want honesty (I know, I can be brutally honest and it hurts at times ~ but in the end, TRUTH is what sets us free from bondage!), compassion, friendship? I am the most loyal friend a person can have, and yet I have had people treat me like crap. Like they just don’t care, because their needs and desires are far more important that treating me with respect or dignity. That made me feel again, like I am “disposable”. I have to ask, am I in your life merely so you have someone you blame for all of your mistakes? Do I cause you pain? This is so painfully difficult for me to write, but unless I am someone who brings Light, Love, and has the ability to teach you how to be a happier, healthier you … I don’t have the energy to fight for your friendships any longer. I want to be an example, someone who brings others joy … and when I see that is not happening, it is time for me to cut my losses (AGAIN!). Call it “spring cleaning”. We all have to have balance in our lives, and I am on a path of finding out what is healthy for ME. Are you?
In many ways I feel like I am that butterfly who has crawled into a cocoon. My gestation period may be longer than others, but when I emerge, I think I am going to be stronger than I ever was before. It is really exciting to be cleaning out the closets of my mind, getting rid of the “things” and people” that are bogging me down. When I asked silently “am I worth fighting for” this morning, the thought that came to my mind was “I Chose You”, and I know only that could have come from God, Himself.
Butterfly in Nepal, 2007
I’m not disposable, or “broken” because I am unable to do the job or the things I want to do … I am just in transformation as I work with medical professionals and homeopaths to one day be rid of “Throb” … and that is the perfect place to be. The most important element to this is … all things are temporary, and there is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. 🙂
Make it a great week … I will be balancing my time between finding another place to live, calls to the insurance company, medical appointments, and doing what I need to do for my mental, physical, and spiritual well being. It took me years to figure out, but I realize the greatest gift I can give anyone, is to focus on myself FIRST. Now, I need to do a little “spring cleaning”. 🙂
Happy GREEN week and may the luck ‘o the Irish be with ye …
Always,
Robin
(The Sky Angel)
dated 12 March 2012
Tags: Robin Schmidt, The Sky Angel