Come As You Are / Only Love Today
This week I took control of my own life again. I chose to make decisions that are for my well being. The past couple of months have been a bit challenging for me; and I have done everything possible to stay positive and grateful. Most people see the smile and think everything is okay, (because I do very well at not asking for help unless I absolutely need it) and I am actually very thankful for what each day has to offer.
After all, I am alive and that is a precious gift. I celebrate life for myself and the man I called “my brother from another mother”, Erland Hawkins. For all eternity I will thank him for making me make that promise. 😉
Many of you may or may not know that I had an upper respiratory infection at the beginning of July and was very sick. So much so that I lost consciousness while working a flight home from Anchorage; caused an emergency landing, and I was in the ER for 11 hours. I wish I could tell you I was 100% – but I still have this deep cough that I can’t seem to shake. So I am using the steroid inhaler and drinking lots of water, Quinary, and hot water or soothing tea to try to break the cycle. With the wildfires in Canada, the smoke was very thick in the Seattle area and it also affected me. I didn’t realize until today, the depth of how it affected me psychologically. (More on that later).
On 18 July 2017 I accidentally tripped over a passenger who had their legs and feet extended into my path and fell. My right foot has not been the same since. That took away my ability to do yoga, walk for any length of time, or hike. The latter was such a huge disappointment for me on my layovers in Juneau, because I wanted desperately to be hiking in Alaska before my flying for the “season” up there ended. It just wasn’t possible.
To add to those two issues; I also found that I was unable to chew on the right side of my mouth. It has taken me a month to get in for oral surgery. I am having a tooth extracted along with the entire root, and a bone graft done in my mouth. This happens on Thursday.
I share all of this with you; solely for informational purposes. I don’t want your pity, attention because I have not been my best, or special concessions.
Today I was able to get into my counselor because I honestly feel like no one can possibly understand what I am dealing with. The topic of conversation had to do with the changes that happen for individuals who go off anti depressant medications. This is me #KeepingItReal. Everything I am experiencing is “normal”. But it doesn’t help to have a “normal” label placed on it for me.
In talking with my Christian counselor, I asked her if God ever gets tired of hearing from me (as tears streamed down my face), because I don’t want to be a burden to Him (or anyone). We talked about how deep God’s love is and how hard that is to fathom because human beings often don’t know how to love that deeply or without conditions.
Something she asked me to do was look inside the “toolbox” I have been filling for several years; to find my ways to fight the lies that have been reinforced by the way people have wounded and hurt me in the past.
One of the things I chose to do was remember there is a difference between connection and connectivity. To always have a list of three people I can contact NO MATTER WHAT.
Circumstances this past year helped me to see some people that had been in my life for long periods of time; were not healthy for me any longer. Removing them from my life was necessary and yet left me with a huge void. Today my counselor said “you are in the midst of the grieving process”. I asked “how I could possibly be grieving individuals that are not a part of my life any longer – because they were toxic to my well being”?
She explained that we all have relationships that leave us with memories. We fight to remember the good – even though there may be “bad” mixed in. My human nature is to remember the close bonds that are shared – even if someone left me with feelings of abandonment or betrayal. To forgive – even when I don’t know how.
Since I have had such significant losses in my life; it has been hard for me to let people go over the years. But I am a work in progress and I have learned to let go easier. Mostly for self preservation.
Life changes all of us, if we let it. I chose to work with my doctors to go off my anti depressant medication. The weaning off period seemed easy. Being off them fully now (for a month) has me with those feelings of “not wanting to be a burden to anyone”.
One of the other tools in my toolbox is to write how I feel. It is the best way I know to express myself. Which is why I am writing this blog today.
As much as there is darkness in the world, I am still choosing to be my own light source. I called three of my people today. Just to hear their stories and voices. Not to share about what I am processing. Tomorrow I will call three more. Because I am blessed to have those kinds of people in my life and I never want them to think I take them for granted.
What is going on? I don’t like who I am when I look in the mirror. Many things compounded on one another and they caused me to gain weight. I don’t like it. I do not want to accept it. I want to change it. But losing weight doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t matter how great anyone tells me I look. My clothes are tight. I think I look like a tank in photos. It is frustrating because I was so happy with myself, not that long ago.
But life happens. And I am human.
You may or may not know that I had an eating disorder when I was in my 20’s. Today we talked about how I felt so obsessed with wanting to eat healthy that I wasted time thinking about it. Precious time that I could have been doing anything else. And what I did to break that cycle. I cannot fall back into any of those types of behaviors from my past and I am fully aware of them. So I am choosing to break the cycle. One day at a time; by breaking my day into ten minute increments at times. Because sometimes that is all I can handle.
True Friendships reside deep in the heart
Last week I flew to Atlanta to spend quality time with my dear friend from South Africa, who was visiting the USA. We only had a day together, but my time with her rejuvenated my soul. I literally took notes of her words of wisdom.
What I didn’t know in talking with my friend and didn’t realize until today; was the significance of the cough or why the smoke bothered me so much. I didn’t realize that the anniversary of September 11th was even on my radar. This year it will be different. Because one of the people that I shared that day and it’s memories with; is one of the people that is no longer a part of my life. And there is a void. It is going to be okay. But I have to acknowledge it. I have to work through that, now that I can see it for what it is.
I have changed tremendously over the years. I always thought when I had certain people in my life – they would always be a part of my life. But that all changed when Michael died, and then my parents, and any of my other Heavenly Angels. I was forced to learn to let go and Let God with coping with death. In the past few years I have also learned to “Let Go and Let God” because it was best for all parties involved. Today I was told “no matter the reasons for the losses, they are still losses. There is still a void”.
Funny how the mind works. I have mentored and coached people who have suffered tragedies. And now I am honoring myself by acknowledging how it feels to let go. Yesterday I filled an entire box full of documents that I could have used to take people & companies to court who have wronged me deeply. The financial, emotional, and psychological damage was tremendous. But I chose (once I found the paperwork yesterday) to burn those papers. I will be taking them with me on a road trip and having a nice campfire. One of release and it will be so liberating.
There is no part of me that can control the way other people will act or react. All I can do is be authentic, honest, and live MY LIFE with integrity. I was asked today to list a few things that I do love about myself. Once I did, I was told “this are core values and characteristics”. Those things will not change for me. And when I look in the mirror, I have to look at my soul and not the reflection of my physical body that I am struggling with so much right now.
What I am not struggling with is #Throb. I have been free from the weight of the elephant on my head since 2April 2017. (After six years of daily migraines and migraine symptoms – I am free!!) PRAISE THE LORD!! I still have to do weekly treatments to keep him away. I fight for my health every single day. I get my strength from faith, our Wounded Warriors who are examples of courage, tenacity, and dignity; and the people who are part of my journey.
If you are reading this – thank you for being one of them. I hope my words from the heart somehow inspire you and help you to know you are never as alone as you feel. I feel so alone sometimes – but somehow, someway, the Universe gives love back to me; right when I need it the most. I call that faith – you call or what works for you.
Huge shout out to @Hands Free Mama for her blog and books, as they truly have helped me to become a better me. Her latest book “Only Love Today” is one I feel every person on the planet can relate to! (The bracelets I am wearing in the top photo of this blog post are from her website).
Always,
Robin
“The Sky Angel”
Robin Schmidt
PO Box 1494
Mercer Island, WA 98040
